Zadie Smith, British writer, author of the bestselling „White Teeth” has been recently caught in the spotlight because of the „15 minute rule” she established at her home. During the Edinburgh Literary Festival, Smith confessed that her 7-year- old daughter can’t spend more than 15 minutes in front of the mirror.

– „You’re wasting your time. Your brother is not going to waste any time doing this. Every day of his life he will put a shirt on, he’s out the door and he doesn’t give a sh** if you waste an hour and a half doing your makeup.” – she explained her idea. Metaphorical or not, the problem is real – the WHO study shows that 52% of Polish 8-year- olds (sic!) are not happy with their body. Can pulling these girls away from mirrors be the way to improve these statistics?

Among numerous comments made by Smith’s statement, the most indignant fact was that a 7-year-old can do makeup at all. It should be noted, however, that easy access to YouTube and makeup tutorials gaining millions of views cause even the youngest of children to start „the adventure with makeup”, as this YouTuber girl puts it. It is difficult to state with certainty whether Smith spoke about the real rule, or maybe it was a metaphorical approach to the author’s way to raise her daughter – you are beautiful, and you will always be, no matter what they try to tell you on TV.

First of all, there is nothing wrong with doing makeup. Except for extreme cases (vide – 7-year-old who spends more than 15 minutes in front of a mirror a day), this „ritual” has been celebrated for millennia. At the court of Egyptian Pharaoh, Totmes III, women used eye pencils and blush, among others. Makeup is a tool for conscious self-creation that can improve self-confidence and help build relations. Before we can blink, our brain performs a facial or hair density analysis of the newly encountered person, and in a millisecond it evaluates whether we like them or not. It is possible to partially influence this process (if we care). However, if we put makeup into the category of taking caring for yourself, it is difficult to blame someone who finds this pleasant.  No one deprives the boys of the need to use the gym, to shape the muscles or get tattoos, grow beards and take care of them or carefully matching the individual pieces of clothing. We consider it culturally normal; So why do we throw the baby out with the bathwater and stigmatize makeup entirely?

The problem starts when the (increasingly younger) girls use makeup to cope with the pressure to be beautiful. According to a study conducted by the World Health Organization, 52% of Polish 8-year- olds is not satisfied with their body. 61% of 15-year- old Polish women consider themselves too fat (HBSC report). Maybe it has some actual grounds? No way – just 7% of the 15-year- olds have a real problem with being overweight. It’s plausible that trying to ban the mirror after 15 minutes will bring the opposite effect. So it would seem sensible to take a step back and reflect, where the need for this time-consuming process of correcting own appearance comes from. Parent’s role is to reinforce positive self-esteem in child, enough to balance the intrusive marketing message.

Obviously, this issue is complex. In the United States alone, the cosmetic industry generates over 60 billion dollars a year. However, only a small percentage of this amount is spent on marketing – magazine covers, entire magazines, editorials, star interviews, suggestive sponsored articles. The famous cover of two magazines for teens – for boys and girls – which circulated the world last year is all too meaningful in this context:

Anyway, this is no news – this type of content is the norm. During her speech at TEDx, Reshma Saujan, originator of the „Girls can code”, drew attention to the way in which we educate girls. In general, they are taught perfection, while the boys are taught courage (which is perfectly visible on the aforementioned covers). This perfection manifests itself in the obsessive care of one’s own appearance as well as in the accomplishment of the entrusted tasks. In risky situations, adult women abandon their goals – fearing failure. As we all know, only those who never take any action can lose – and this may partly explain the scandalously low percentage of women on supervisory boards or in IT companies.

Maybe the ban in place at Zadie Smith’s home is a bit too aggressive in its expression, but it draws attention to a serious problem – if the time that women devote to improving their looks could be invested in following their dreams and courageous plans, how many glass ceilings would they break?

Do you know what the term „high need baby” means? It is a child who needs more. More attention, more cuddling, more mommy.

Perhaps you may even have found some kind of comfort in this phrase when you haven’t slept for the third night in a row, trying to put your baby to sleep. You may also be one of those lucky ones, whose child has been sleeping all night long since it was three months old.

Regardless of whether your little one needs a great deal of closeness or if a good night kiss is enough for him, you’re behind all of this. Mother. Mum. Mommy. Have you ever thought of your needs? I am not talking about all the nonsense of everyday life or advice that all of your good friends, Mrs Smith from the greengrocer’s and other pregnant women in the waiting room at the doctor’s office have given you. Have you asked yourself what You need or maybe you still have a sister’s voice in your head, who tells you that the most important thing is to throw away these worn out sweatpants, put on a make-up mask day after day? Or your mother’s voice, who stubbornly repeats: „darling, go out, meet some people, buy yourself something nice, paint your nails red, and everything will return to normal”. I know what you’re thinking right now.

I wonder what will happen to all these „high need babies” when they grow up. One will become a manager in an international company, another a writer and the third a politician. It doesn’t matter. I am curious about what will happen to their needs. Emotions. Perhaps the manager of an international company will grow out of being a „high need baby”, if it is possible at all. And if he is permanently feeling more and craving more, he will try to fill this emotional emptiness. He’s very likely to plunge into crazy parties, looking for a thrilling experience, loving blondes on weekdays and brunettes on holidays. However, I am an optimist and I imagine a different scenario. I believe that with his extraordinary emotional intelligence, he will become a leader. One that is supported by people, not just figures. A businessman who does not pursue his goals at any cost and knows that his secretary is not his property and has her private life.

More and more adults are feeling confused. They rush from one bus to another. They wait nervously in queues to pay for take-away coffee. They rush, though they do not know why and where. They go to work because they have to work, although their stomachs hurt because of the stress. To just reach Friday, away from what reminds them of the grey reality. They do not know what they want from life and how to get it. Adults, who should have found their place long time ago, to set an example to those they are leading by hand to kindergarten. Adults who do not know what gives their lives meaning, but want to accomplish great things.

{I am one of you. I, too, am in a hurry. I’ve lost myself a long time ago, but I’m still looking. I started a long journey, with many obstacles. Because of being High Need Woman, the bar rises to a higher level by itself. I have great needs, a lot of indescribable emotions that are waiting in line to be arranged, stored in the wardrobe and put to use at the right moment. Being a demanding woman does not sound good. But it IS good! It is not just about having expectations. It is all about expecting and releasing the same thing into the world. This is a whole range of beautiful feelings that you can simply share.

My mother always tells me how much I used to like hugging when I was little. I did not leave her for a second. I still remember falling asleep on her lap when she was talking on a landline phone, even though we were three steps away from my bed. I simply didn’t want to let her go. When she was leaving, I would sleep with her shirt to always have her smell with me. As I was a little older, I had a box where I hid all my precious memorabilia. Tickets to the cinema, to a film I didn’t watch, because my first boyfriend bothered me, stealing kisses. Dry leaves of pink orchid that fell as unexpectedly as they appeared, and I desperately tried to preserve the beauty of this gift. There was a time when I was gathering everything that could remind me of the beautiful moments of the past. I was clinging to these little objects, those treasures full of good emotions.

Today, I no longer need a piece of fabric to fall asleep. Neither a dry flower to evoke positive emotions. But it doesn’t mean that my need for closeness has decreased. It has simply changed direction. To this day I love hugging my mother, but I’m looking for a different kind of closeness. In my daughter’s small hands, in the hugs of friends. In people. In the world. In myself. This has never disappeared, although I tried to silence this need. This is being written by a conscious woman. I am gradually becoming one and I am fascinated by this phenomenon. Each day brings me a puzzle to solve. A mystery concerning myself, and it is up to me to decide whether I will give it a lick and promise or whether I will sit down in silence, talk to myself and try to understand myself. I know I need more, better and stronger. But is this wrong? I think that you can’t exaggerate with good emotions. They act as a light that attracts others. It’s good to have a supply of them in case of an emergency, they work well with a blanket and hot chocolate during cold autumn evenings. I am a High Need Woman, I have a great need for closeness, tenderness, acceptance. And at last I know that it’s a good thing!